The existence of the soul is no longer held as a universal truth. Many scrutinize the idea—an idea rooted in religiosity—that a spirit dwells inside our mortal bodies and establishes the moral fabric and essence of what makes you, you. They scrutinize the idea of a spirit with one’s character and essence that will live on throughout eternity—long after death, allowing us to transcend from mortality to immortality. But this soul, the one rooted in religiosity, is not the one I speak of. I’m unconcerned about the transition from mortality to immortality; but what I am concerned about is the internal composition of emotions, rationality, and thoughts that make you, you, and me, me. The basis for my concern stems from our consistent failure to interrogate our souls, or, our inner being, to determine and assess the foundation for our desires, actions, and beliefs. We fail to question ourselves as to why we have accepted certain things, be it healthy or toxic, as true, and why we have determined that specific attainments, goals, people, or mere things will be the reason for our happiness. We have failed to search ourselves to determine the true reason of why we seek what we seek, and desire what we desire, often not understanding that it’s a Band-Aid for a wound far deeper than we can imagine; one that continues to bleed and bleed, and spill into all aspects of our lives, influencing our relationships, desires, actions, drive, and sheer will. So, I ask, what makes you, you? Have you thought about it? In what terms do you communicate? Are you pessimistic? Are you optimistic? Are you indifferent? How does this impact others in your life? And, how does this influence the life you live? Will the attainment of, this goal, this person, or this purchase really make you happy? The answers to these questions are not simple. But when you are lost, or when you are searching for happiness, these are questions that must be asked. The mere terms in which we communicate can reveal much about our disposition, perspective of life, and soul. Question yourselves as to what spills out of when you look at yourself in the mirror, or think about your life; question yourselves as to what your innate response is to a compliment, potential opportunity, or challenge. If pessimism is your answer, ask yourself, why? And ask yourself, how does this cloak of negativity influence your soul and your happiness?

I have found that the desire for happiness is often conflated with a desire for peace. But happiness is fleeting. The desire to be happy each and every day is a fantastical goal that can never be attained. There are few experiences in life that truly make an individual happy, and chasing that high—those experiences that brought you great joy—is a set up for failure, as our day-to-day activities are inconsistent with pure happiness. However, our daily activities are consistent with simply being—that is, existing in a space of neutrality where we are neither happy nor sad, but at peace. Peace and happiness are not equal. But seeking peace over happiness in my opinion creates happier people; yet, to attain peace, our inner souls must be examined. I have also found that the desire for solely external gratification and validation outweighs the realization that internal gratification and validation are most essential to our mental health. Why? My perspective is that there is no amount of external gratification and validation that can mend the internally dampened feelings of an individual. But the perspective that it will, creates an unrealistic threshold, as absent internal validation and gratification, the existence of the external becomes ineffective, simply because you fail to believe it for yourself.

There’s an innate fear attached to internal interrogation that cripples our emotional, mental, and physical growth. We often opt to escape, instead of confront; we choose to run instead of resolve; we choose to bury instead of let die or let go. In doing these things, once again, we have failed. In particular, and most importantly, failed ourselves. A lack of internal interrogation robs us of true peace and happiness, as what should be explainable becomes unexplainable. This causes unexplainable feelings at odd times, memories and feelings irrelevant to what currently is, sullying the present and corrupting what was pure. This, in part, is owed to the uneasiness of the soul; it becomes troubled because we allow our demons (which get stronger and more influential as we continue to bury and suppress our biggest insecurities, challenges, and problems) to takeover, and rule our lives and determine our actions. We allow them to erroneously deceive us into believing that what we want will satisfy our needs, not understanding a bridge does not fill a void, and a curtain does not resolve, it disguises. Yet, we continue to operate under the guise that all is well; as if on the inside we aren’t hemorrhaging, because what we need, is help. What we need is surgery for the soul; but what we want is a Band-Aid. What we want is to escape, not realizing in the end, the latter two desires will destroy you.

Interrogating yourself is never easy. I’m constantly reminded of the quote by William Butler Yeats which reads, “It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your soul than it does for a soldier to fight on the battlefield.” The accuracy of the statement is not my focus; and my emphasis isn’t on one’s choice to be a solider, nor is it on whether they lack bravery on the battlefield. It’s simply acknowledging that internal reflection can be arduous and frightening; that to confront insecurities, personal modes of thought, malfeasance, darkness, and shortcomings, and be nakedly candid and true with yourself takes courage. But it’s a necessity for personal growth. Even more so for you own sanity. It’s acknowledging the fact that truly examining yourself, seeing your own faults in situations—especially if they keep happening—is never easy. It causes pain as you dig up the toxic and terrible memories you’ve buried with the intention to now confront them. It hurts as you unravel memories you have mummified instead of killed and let go. It takes courage to get to the root of your ‘why’; courage to understand why you desire what you desire, why you fail to understand your needs, why you communicate how to do, why you act how you do in the most important moments. And quite often, we lack this courage.

In coloured communities, interrogating your soul is a religious deed. Irrespectively so, many continue to fail to examine themselves as they lack the courage to deal with their darkest memories and thoughts that have shaped their character. This, however, can be mended through therapy. Allowing another to dig into your inner most parts—areas you have buried and sought to escape—giving you the courage to examine your soul with assistance. But therapy in coloured communities is often vilified and frowned upon. The stigma associated with therapy frames patients as ‘crazy’ and unhinged, pushing many of us away from this. I have long pushed against this perception. Taking care of ourselves is also indicative of mental health. We seek doctors when break our hands or have a wound. But when our emotions and psychological capacities are maxed; when our hearts are broken; when we lack the desire, will, and drive to go on; when we are unable understand why we desire and believe Band-Aids will heal our deepest cuts, we often think it’s best to pull ourselves together and tackle these issues alone, believing we’re alone. However, this ultimately impacts our peace and happiness in ways we can’t even begin to explain. It takes courage to examine your emotions. Courage to examine your “why”? Courage to prepare your soul by allowing your demons, challenges, and issues to die, not be buried; allowing yourself to let go, and not push down. Courage to seek and accept the truth; not your truth, and to learn how to die to the lies and toxicity of the past in order to have a healthy future. Without dying daily, without letting go daily, without forgiving daily, there’s no rebirth. There’s no change or transformation. 

Examine yourselves, confront your issues, let go of the things you have buried, and seek help. You are never alone in this world to deal with your challenges and demons. Understand that therapy is not ‘weird’, or for ‘certain’ people.

Therapy is for the soul. Therapy is good for the soul.

A friend of mine reminded me sick days are for your mental health as well. I encourage you all to take care of yourselves, be kind to yourselves, embrace and speak positivity, shun negativity, and seek peace.

Interested in learning more? Check out these books on the subject:

• Detox Your Thoughts by Andrea Bonior
• The Unapologetic Guide to Mental Health by Rheeda Walker
• Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser

Need mental health support? Check out these resources: 

• Toronto Mental Health Resources (uhn.ca)
• Mental health services – Canada.ca
• Understanding and Finding Help for Depression (cmha.ca)
• Find mental health support | Ontario.ca
• COVID-19: Mental Health Resources – City of Toronto
• How to access free mental health and emotional support during the COVID-19 crisis | CBC Life